the fury and turn
a year of substack and waking up on the precipice of winter
Jangling around inside what still works of this body are a few upcoming posts. Half done, probably over-thought and none ready for the rather surprising 1 year anniversary of Wide Open. Even now, too many years on in life, I marvel at how complex time can feel. A year which literally liquified into nothing when looked at, gone so quick as to almost not have happened, yet when inspecting it closely had some real twists and turns (Friends Episode: The one where dad almost dies). I'm sort of in my wheelhouse when i'm caught between feeling nothing and everything at the same time. The year felt inconsequential to me. a throw away. But looking back I wrote a couple good things, things that suggested to me maybe there's still some spark for words left in me.
I wrote 25 posts in this year and I want to share links to my favorite three. They were early on before many of you found your way here and perhaps you haven't found them yet. After that, a few rambling thoughts and some dark contrasty (fall always gets me back here) shots from the abandonment of summer in this derelict wasteland I call home. Oh, berta..
3 good posts from Year One:
Can't enjoy the luxury
I spent a number of years shuttling my too slow dying mother from healthcare situation to healthcare situation and learnt to never look dead on at what’s in front of you. Then I forgot. now I remember. Prison yard stares and fleur-de-lis tattoos Cannibals are saving all their bones for soup
This deeply emotional post was my reaction to a sudden major health event for my father (he lived) and not having untangled my ongoing malaise (I did). They combined for what I think is some good writing. I spent too much time on pacing, layering and structure but it worked.
I never wanted this
oh lord. oh lord. well I remember, don’t worry. I never wanted to be a photographer.
This post was about realizing how you can become something you never meant to be by accidentally assuming goals and internalizing other people, or cultural, or group standards.
Do
Some years back now, when I was in a manic love affair with street photography I wanted to write a book about it. I had the title worked out. Be There. Where is there? Wherever there are humans, light and shadow. A simple algorithm for putting yourself in a position to see things. It turns out no matter how much we want to intellectualize (or ruminate, i love me some deep ruminations) you have to actually see the thing that fires whatever dusty old engine you still have kicking. You have to see something that matters to you, in a way you didn’t expect and it sets off a chain of thoughts and feelings which hopefully result in a photograph.
Is it a coincidence all three of these posts I recommend have women in the cover photo? Probably not. the emotions tend to flow most freely when combining women and cameras. We will not be getting into that today.
Some Photos of this transition into winter
If you don’t know, winter here in the great north, in Alberta Canada starts on July 1st and runs through to.. okay. It’s not really that bad and this year we’ve been given a nice long lead up. It still hasn’t even snowed but I went down with covid and while I regained control of my own RNA the world moved on without me so it really feels abrupt.
Some thoughts and more things you should read:
I’m pretty much still mr. covid brain at this point. my thoughts jumble together. words magically become other words and I don’t notice, so this post is light on words. Light on thoughts. I won’t trouble you to follow the threads I can’t untangle for now. But, I do have some other things I’d like to recommend if you’re looking for more reading.
I could recommend nearly any post from his recent trip. I don’t want to call the photos simple, because they aren’t. But they are simple in what they ask of you. There’s a feeling here on this substack that reminds me of the book “The line becomes a river” 1 though they are quite different subjects. I think about simple, honest, undemanding but offering lots if you want to dig in.
A scathingly honest—though circling—post about his experiences in the online and offline social worlds of his 20s. No one can say what’s accurate or impression here, but parts of it will ring true regardless. I think often about how isolating the 2020s have become. A convergence of technology, the pandemic, and ideology seem to be pushing us all into a new human space. Not a good one. Tyler is a friend of mine, he’s a handful and his posts are wildly long but you won’t accuse him of hiding behind a facade.
Aaaaaand with that I wrap up my first year on substack. it’s good to be back writing. It’s not good to be back feeling bad about not writing enough. About not feeling up to creating something worth reading very often, but taken on a long enough timeline you build out a good base of words. I hope to keep on that timeline and I’m glad to have you weird folks come along for the ride.
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/555764/the-line-becomes-a-river-by-francisco-cantu/
happy anniversary!
Congratulations on the year. Breathe deep, prepare for the next...