wintermind

on long breaks and giving up

i haven’t quite quit you. only just some wintermind.

wintermind will have you believe nothing matters. that everything is ruined and spoilt. that everyone is rotten to their core (jury is still out on that) and well, just why bother.

so i didn’t. for a while. not with this. not with photos.

I kept on baking. kept on making things. made chocolate for the first time, delicious. Alto Beni 70% dark.

it bloomed like my rotten heart.

i ate it all the same. because rotten hearts and bloomed chocolate are still fit for consumption and we’re nothing if not consumers.

you can tell the stink of february is still roiling in me. such terrifically short days. a small burp of light then back to the night. who thought this was a good way to live.

whilst gone I got back into programming to burn cycles for this silly brain of mine. kept it hammering on vectors and shaders and pixels. it worked for the most part. self digestion was avoided.

we sit and tap our foot impatient for spring. for the waters to run. for the soils to open. we wait impatient for the robins. the geese. the seedlings pushing up and through. so wildly impatient. for shorts and sweat and the baking summer pavements. for things not mattering to not matter because suns out, guns out and go fuck yourself for being a philosopher snuggled bewteen the legs of june and august. revel in your profound good luck.

that’s all not here yet. the summer girls and tall grasses.

but what is here is my fancy new fujiflm x100vi (someone needs to learn japanese and go tell fuji they don’t have to keep adding characters to the name).

it is fancy. it is pocket size. it is the small bit of pixel magic that i’ve not had by my side in a number of years. i cherish that. the missing and the now having. they go together like the depths of my bereftitude (new word!) and the tawdriness of spring. you simply cannot have one without the other.

and i have the one. the x one hundred six? vee eye. god.

wintermind is no match for technology.

i’ve missed all your silliness. your to and fro and seriousness about writing, about the panacea that is substack. the gyrations and spasms of being such perfect human specimens. a thing to behold. i don’t desire to behold it much for now but I did manage to cobble a small pile of pictures together from carrying a camera with me that doesn’t weight 4 kilos.

for you.

not even all the way back and substack is whining about this being too long for email. never change susbstack. always be dumb and full of vigor.